I marvel over my discoveries of information that I found so far on this radical change. A comment from a reader, the lack of sleep and the old programs that are running the show caused me to spin out. The comment was innocent enough. But I know myself. My self talk increased and said I am "Supposed to love his snoring and cherish it" and 'I am to work on myself because he did nothing wrong." I agreed full-heartedly, but I apparently did not show that authentic side of me. A little girl (two years old) in me says, "Oh no, I did something wrong. Quick do it right so I don't get into trouble." My forty-five year old self knows that it shouldn't hurt. The reader was sharing a comment of her life and what she has done and what she thinks is going on. No big deal to my forty-five year old self but to my two year old her heart hurt. The little girl was humiliated. The program that is causing all this is an unfinished resolved continued condition story designed by me, my two year old self. My self-talk is driving me nuts. I am the one that has to take responsibility. I am always the one that is sacrificing and changing. (notice these are whining limited beliefs, see how I know this story and how much energy loss I still have) Heck, when I was contemplating change which happened a little over a year ago and it was a drastic one, I was not supported. Most of the feedback I got was, "You shouldn't have grown, stop doing that and he is important and he should be the one you live for." I thought "What the hell! Really?" Oh NO! My soul is done living this life for others. I am not going to create my life to be the way others want it to be. Can you see the defensiveness in me kick in? Again, I know it was innocent enough. She can live her life like that but I can't.
The wisdom I learned was, "When a person starts to evolve, they will become out of alignment to those around them that are not going on the same (their) journey. It is okay to lose your family and friends. You only got one life to live so live it.
As I am getting ready for bed, I did some more spiritual investigation on this moment of time that is in freeze mode.The information I found was I can't heal this directly for it is a safety blanket. Dang in my soul coaching business. You never take away a safety blanket. A safety blanket was an agreement with you and your subconscious mind to keep something covered. For at the time that something occurred, a person does not have the capability or the cognitive skills to resolve this. All they can do is pacify, deal, adapt and forget. This event will effect their whole life until it is resolved.
As I spiritually investigate this blanket, a trapped emotion is in the bladder meridian. The word is 'Humiliation'. I noticed what I wrote above. The little child in me was humiliated that I didn't know that, I didn't follow orders or I did it wrong. I will continue to define the word humilation by writing first what I think it is, by what do my friends think, how the world sees it, how it is defined in the dictionary and thesaurus. Once I get as many perspectives on it I can, then it is like a map. Once the mind is stretched it doesn't have to go back to conformity. Then I will let spirit teach me. I can say one thing. Being a Soul coach it is very important to respect my world but also not to fall victim to thoughts and the chemical peptides that get created.
I take this information form Donna Eden. She had a client that swore she was abused in a certain way. When Donna was accessing her energy field, she didn't find that to be true. The energy told a different story. When an event happens at a younger age, we are thrown off our center of happiness and are uncertain of our survival. Imagine a infant contemplating life, they probably are not. They are unable to do it effectively as we would as an adult. There isn't enough cognitive skills, age of reasoning, or others skills to make common sense. A child grows into those characteristics. But here we are as a child living the nightmare of experiences. At those younger ages, we are making decisions about what happened and have to make sense of our world. We will do the best with what we got. We have to come up with the answer(s) and the decision that works for us about what happened. Once we feel calm, pacified and handled, we will create a strategy and a decision that makes sense to us. Eventually, that decision and strategy we will outgrow and it will become limited and stop working for us and cause our world to become upside down. Why, because our soul wants us to resolve that moment. As we chronically age, those decisions and strategy don't really upgrade. We as adults go back into the strategy that helped us survive. We will keep trying to use it again because we know it worked once. We are looking for that dopamine of survival.
As Donna noted, "the client in trying to make sense of why she felt so wounded and miserable, her psyche embellished on the essential truth that she was badly traumatized by her father."
The brain has cells that are similar to a vacuum cleaner. There are many more reasons for the way we recall the details that are emotionally charged for us.
- One, we make someone seem better by painting a brighter, happier picture of them so we can feel loved by them.
- Two, we might need to save face.
- Three, we focus on certain points that can empower us.
- Four, to rally support so we can get the attention we need filled.
- Five, to make sense of what just happened by fine tuning it down to the very last detail.
- Six, focus on details that have hurt us and leaving out other details.
- Seven, we have filters that delete, distort and generalize for the sake of our sanity.
- Eight, we reconstruct what is important to us based on values, morals, decisions and strategies.
- Nine, the meta-programs of our personality and how we give and perceive in relationships to the world around us.
At the same time the details show up as a lens that we view our life with.
I went to bed at 10pm and laid there reluctantly. I know I slept because I did do some dreaming. He came to bed a little after Midnight. I finally gave up at 1:41am. It has been a few hours and well I am going to go sleep on the couch.